Truth is Stranger than Fiction: Zombie Apocalypse

By Haneul Na’avi

Dear Citizens,

I wanted to post a quick note about the new shape that madness has taken in the Great US of A. It has recently come to my attention that there are now zombies afoot in the Deep South.

…Got ‘ma box of Remingtons and a 30-day TV dinner supply.

I have been an avid fan of zombie movies of all types. Anything from George Romero to Danny Boyle has come up in my list of topics and debates about the Zombie Apocalypse. I would even debate with my old roommate about the potential security issues related to our apartment, should an ensuing zombie attack lethargically shuffle our way – everything from the sustainability of our metal door to the best routes to take on foot through the city and the best storable foods to take so that we ourselves didn’t become a light snack for the undead among the streets.

These were all fantasies at that time. I didn’t seriously consider them to be a clear and present danger. However, I did notice that, on the Internet, I was not the only one that had debated this topic with those with a pulse and conscience. According to, there are five probable threats waiting to turn the masses into a souless, mindless, gray-matter eating, shiftless horde of pus-filled vagabonds. Although they haven’t mentioned winning an Oscar as a potential vector, these five causes of post-mortem mania are plausible enough.

Getting right into the heart of my concerns, I recently saw an article about security camera footage of a Miami man that ate 75% of a homeless man’s face off while stark-raving naked. Upon meeting a fully-armed squad car of police, the ravaging man proceeds to growl–that’s right, growl– and continue feasting on the poor victim before taking several slugs to the body. The victim, a drifter on the Miami causeway, seems to be in high spirits despite having much of his face and one eye raped from his body by a zombie. This guy is either a Zen master or really doesn’t understand what just happened to him. Nevertheless, I commend him for keeping his cool and surviving one of the most horrific and unusual attacks in US history.

The media’s answer to this new memetic morsel – bath salts. Apparently there is a drug that causes people to strip down to their birthday suits, lose all of their inhibitions and roam the city in search of meeting their fellow men for lunch. When people lose their minds and do something absolutely spontaneous, why can’t it be something like… craving birthday cakes, drawing pictures, or wanting to play XBOX for 24 hours? Why does it have to end in a bloody mess or involve some kind of federal offense?

           I blame the zombie banks.

I’m not an advocate for cursing during my journalistic ramblings, but I will come out and say it. Using the corporate spunk-bucket media to say that bath salts caused a zombie uprising is the most bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard. They will tell us not to question this case, or not to worry. I’m well aware that, given the track record of the corporate media, it behooves me to do the opposite. Look at what happened to the Fukushima plant issue when the government told everyone that it wasn’t a big deal. Nope, buddy, I’m going to get my apocalypse survival kit and stock up on some Hornady zombie-killing rounds like any intelligent prepper before they sell out down the road.

I wish the media would have just come out and said it was a freak accident at a voodoo priest training camp, or someone went out to lunch only to find that the local Zaxby’s had gone out of business, even that it was due to the release of the latest Rebecca Black album, but alas, it was bath salts. Even if this is so, and the undead have made their grand entrance into the world of the living due to the latest designer drug, I would squarely place the blame on the Obama administration. I remember the FBI’s answer to the Black Panther movement and know what a CoIntel Pro looks like in action.

                          Time for…

There has so far been two cases in Miami and one in Louisiana, Maryland and Toronto. Five cases of cannibalism in the course of a few weeks. Just recently, a New York mother was tasered to death by the police after she tried to strangle her family dog, bite a police officer, and attack her son. All of them involve someone biting or spitting blood at a victim only for the perpetrator to have no recollection of what had occurred. Sounds pretty zombie-like to me. Most of the prevalence of zombie-esque attacks seem to be on the east of the US, save for if you want to count the Canadian Cannibal case in Toronto and possibly Hollywood.

So, who’s the likely culprit for this ungodly act of evil? Is it the coming Apocalypse? Is it the Rapture happening at full steam? Close… Uncle Sam(hain). Our Oligarchical Technocratic Government’s ability to successfully create a zombie virus seems daunting but feasible, according to the minds at Popular Science. From previous research, the only plausible explanation I can offer would be the proposed US Army virus that essentially lobotomizes extremists by targeting their frontal lobes and destroying brain tissue normally associated with religious inclinations and fervor. Find a way to tweak the affected areas, and you could essentially create a virus that destroys most brain matter save for the brainstem. Scientists in Switzerland have even found a way to make a 100% lethal aerosol form of Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis, which, in this form, would create the perfect method of transmission. This would be the perfect weapon to destabilize a large population, and it seems like perfect timing considering all of the dirty nincompoopery the government has been trying to keep under wraps. What better way to quell a great awakening than to make the Dead walk the Earth? It’s in the Bible and people believe it will signal the End Times. Religious or not, fighting myriads of the Undead seems like a substantial distraction that the American public should tend to.

I don’t know what the Unseen Hands of the global government are up to, but if we see anymore instances of this pop up in the next couple of months, it could most certainly give FEMA the green light to initiate martial law. I have these gut feelings that these are pharmacological beta testings to see how effective these unknown virulent agents are, and that someone is collecting data on the results. If proven effective, and given the current state of US legislature, those complicit in the formation of our prison state need only a single excuse to get the ball rolling. The plot stinks of a mass hysteria movement, and possibly rotting flesh.

Just some thoughts, people. It’s wise to keep yourself informed and question what’s going on. Keep your peepers peeled… before your zombie neighbor does it for you.


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